goddamned it !

so, its actually a happy day, im HAPPY today. a rare occasion, i dont think it'll last long now i've said something. now x 3 lol.


ONE THIRTY FUCKING NINE i woke up, and thats it. almost 140 again, goddamned shit. i cant wait to walk, the flowers are blooming the trees are comming back. i cant leave when no one is home because i have to wait for the elderly resident. i cleaned like a bitch today! ate like a hog lastnight. ana[beth] is mad at me for ignoring her but i cant help it ! I dont want ANYONE to know what im going through, what goes through this head is staying in this head. i cant afford my dad to find out no one deserves to live with my burdens, my problems, my shameful heart. im just waiting for god to realize why people are the way turn out to be, that we cant just 'fix' ourselves. im glad you believe in us God but who else does? who else can help us? how can fix our broken train of thought, our body images, tell US GOD, tell us, how DO WE stop it if you think, know we can. tell me how to feel better to get these thoughts out of my head.


i've been eating small things all day. im not planning on doing much, or atleast not gonna eat at night. i dont know what happened i was doing so well not eating at night, i was shedding the pounds. now im gaining it back and i cant stop the fucking binge shit when i drink. yet i feel if i stopped drinking, it would cause mike to think something was up. i dont want that.


so, i need to ask myself, "what do people think babys chat is for?" what? WHO can answer ME THAT !? do you think I want to help enable any body? thats what tips are fucking FOR! if your "ana" then be it, if your mia and its not working i hope you dont 'want' ana, this isnt a want. this isnt a fucking game to see whos fat and whos skinny



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its the next day and i wanted to finish my rant from yesturday, it really erked my nerves that someone would ask for tips, the chat isnt for you little pro bitches, if any one else wants to give you stupid dumb asses tips then so be it. but not me, i will NOT enable ANYBODY. im sorry you feel bad about your 100 pound frame, but take a look around, TAKE A LOOK, more then 20 % of people make up obesidy. now, i know fat people probably gross you out but you know something, YOU could be THAT and THEY could be YOU. think about it: it shouldnt make you eat less (though it is gross looking at all their fat rolls bounce, whos hungry now, right?) it should help you eat MORE. look at it this way: you COULD be THAT big!