im kind of freaking out, because the scale now says 123! i've been 'binging' and not purging... all i can think about now is purging dinner. or even purging now because i jsut had 2 peices of salami and a peice of cheese! dad always has three things for dinner. its one meat a 'side' and vegies. of course im gonna list things we have one of all of them consists mainly what im gonna name here: main: meat, beef, pork, venison, and chicken . sides: consists of green salad, macaroni salad, rice, portato and corn type dishes... and of course vegies: anything except advacado and asparagus....... now.. today we're having ribeye or uh chuck eye steak then a side of potatos, and califlower! WOOF!!!(thats a good pun if u think about it, i meant like 'whew' and its like, woof like a dog.. per say i've been eating like a dog!) see the dinners arent whats getting to me. i've been night eating again! durring the day isnt too much. though i try to show im eating somethin cuz its one of those things.. appearances when it comes to food means EVERYTHING if your not seen eating, your asked questions. as to, thats why i try to eat atleast a small lunch. dinner is a bit more though. (old 'diet' was: strictly no more then 4 oz meat, 1/2 cup vegies of course we only had one 'side' which was usually a vegitable!) considering dad and karen tell me to take more take more and they think im depressed or stressed, (none the less, i dont want to know about my eating things!) so they dont say much but... i just feel bad because in the midst of my mind, i know whats going on. any way, its been around, 5 oz meat (the meat is filling alone!), a WHOLE cup (sometimes a cup and a half or just a bit more then a whole cup) of side and a little less half cup vegies.. but the time i eat meat and side im fucking STUFFED! but at night, at night is the worst. i know i dont have to hide anything because everyones sleepin, yet i feel .. per se obliged to do it at night because no one is looking! no one can see me stuff my ugly little fat face. fucking eh. sooo tonight, we're not drinking beer, i dont have any more smoke left, and just a couple ciggies left.... anime marathon HERE I AM!
i've been between 120 and 123 between ... last saturday and today. its fucking NUTS! i took pictures of myself today and how i've SHRUNK! i hate my body even more though. stretch marks; extra skin. i know if i lost 10-20 more pounds; (which we all know it'll happen.. we all know the addicting never ending hell i've put myself in) my ribs would be sticking out, i would probably be in a size 1 or 2, maybe less. but i know if i lost ATLEAST 20 more, most of this stupid skin sticking out would be IN. crunches, lots of them huh? im size 5 women undies, 36A cup, size 3 jeans. before; size 12 undies; 38 D cup, size 13 jeans.... see.. thats a BIG difference. i look at that and that makes me happy. then i get on the scale, or look at my body in the mirror, its just not enough. i still see things i dont like. i could pick and poke at it for hours or take a picture and stare it for hours. its fucking pathetic.
One Say Of Starvation (lies and secrets) away from Our Own Stupid Perfection (and death)
~Nine DieingSouls
Above: shoulders down
ABOVE: shoulder up to create dip
above: shoulder up to create dip
above: no dip..can still see bone =)
above: no dip.. can you see the bone? i can :D
sorry they are so blurry. something is wrong with my camra..hopefully u can make the ugly shape out !
~~~
the ones that were 'dipped' is how i want them to look. of course i wouldnt achieve that inless i was close to death.. still looks fucking awsome huh?
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