been a while..

im not sure what to say, what to post. my head is back into my own little world, collapsing. anabethany and miamarie are gone but my head is still fucked up. always will be. i was back up to 1200 cals or a bit less the last 2 months but soo much has been going on since i last posted. since my 105, im back up to 125, and im FUCKING FREAKING. i've sunk back into a depression. my sisters are harion junkies. my father is obsessed with the neighbors, i've lost all my baby nephews and neices. my colin, cayden gauge, cierra, willow and kaylee. (not in order) the only good, no.. great thing thats been going for me is my drive for a real life. im 22, living with my father (not putting anything bad on that) i can not find work and this stupid fucking system has no clue! they have a goddamned process. i understand why.. because of all the blood sucking mindless fucks that like to lie and fraud the system. but it fucks it for me.. and people like me that need fucking help.. like this stupid fucking obama care. where the parent HAS to.. even if the child does not live with them... they have to.. by LAW keep that child (adult whatever) under their insurance until they are 26. fucking bullshit. i was going to get help with my depression and all that good shit last year then i lost it all.. LOST IT ALL.

my love life is great. his name is David and he knows about my eating disorder. actually, besides my lovely and supporting friends from babyfats chat, hes the only one that knows about this blog. theres an option to share it on fb.. HAH. i guess im going to share a 3 page "poem/letter" i wrote lastnight. this will get everything out and a bit up-to-date.. cigarette first...and of course.. my fucking lighter is dying! FUCKER.

Dear God,
       if this doesnt stop, im not sure where im going to end up. im tired of being everyones fuck up. im tired of people pulling their shit. tired of people putting me in the middle. Yes, now its about me. i want to die. i want to be with my mother. im so tired of this life. Nobody gets along, everyone worries about others ignorance. everyones worried about shit they shouldnt. i dont want to be here any more. im drifting away again. im tired of this pain. its comming back again. the only ones that i love and care for so much are so far away. my colin, cayden, gaugey, willow cierra and the ones dont even know.. beautiful kaylee, clarrissa, elizabeth and the other six that i dont even know their names. 
      Both my sisters are lost causes. they're both dead to me. that doesnt hurt now. the only one good thing i have in my life is my David, my david and my jasmine and now my father is going to say that i dont want to help him, that i dont want to have his back yet he says, he has his friends that its different because we're family, aren't we just as important? and if i said that, sure he'd bad i dont want that i just should tell him ithat i feel stuck in the middle. first i want to explode, the next i feel like the biggest failure. life  cant give what anybody wants. AND if i said that, someone would say, "you cant please everyone" everyones right but its easier for them to say then for them to see feel and think the way i do.
     Its about my father. my only part left alive. hes ripping his hair out wanting to have a beer because of a stupid neighbor, do i understand what that mindless fuck would do if he hadnt done what he did for home security how can i not? he repeats himself about how he is, life i dont get it but i do but you dont listen to anyone else you stay in your own head. drive yourself crazy. me? no. dont worry about it, to hell with it. say im selfish say it. think it. i dont care this has been in my head far too long. im contiplating on ways to kill myself. i want to see my mom again.
Dear God,
      I want to die. why wont you let me die? how can i fix anything noone listens noones cares noone sees. the love and generosity are gone. its been and im so sick of careing im so tired of trying to even about about trying to fix anybody anthing. writing your name is as close as i get to heaven. i want to come home. everyones mistakes I PAY FOR, NOT THEM, NOT THE ONES THAT DO IT. ME! WHY? WHAT DID I DO? will you ever answer me? am i broken? am i,  God? is that why i cant anything or anyone. why are people so rotton? why cant others wait until someones happens instead of pulling me into it? something i could care less about.
     I want to smoke until my lungs burst, i will cry until the water is gone. i want to drink until my liver fails, i want to sleep until my heart realizes i have no will wo carry on like this. id love to starve until death takes my soul. i want to cut my wrists right down to the middle, watch until i pass out. i dont want to be a fuck up anymore. i dont want to try to be happy any more, all i get are games, fingers. if i help it gets shoved in my face. this soul is old this soul is tired so, so, tired of this place. i just want to die.
    my head hurts, my hearts been broken and i well, God, ill always be broken. A broken toy, that cant do nothing right except disapoint and piss everyone off. even if i did get help they'd pump me full of drugs. id be a walking zombie, a lump of a human. feel like it now. everything is falling, almost..out of grasp.
DEATH.
~~~~~

LW: 105
CW:125
GW:105
how im gonna get there: starve my fat ass!

SAY HI TO OBLIVION!
*~!~*NineSouls*~!~*