My name is Souls. im 21, im an aunt of 12, i have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. i really really love animals, great, intelligent books, writing, typing, walking... i have 2 blue face love birds, 3 cats and a wonderful dog. i really try hard to enjoy life, but it seems nothing has changed since i was a child.
school.. i hated it. poeple picked and laughed and picked.. until it bled. i could not take it any more, i cut myself..... i loved the blood, i loved watching it run from my arm, and i loved the sting trying to keep it clean. i loved the pain.. i still bite my lips just to feel it sting.
i've always been a little over weight.
my mother and father split when i was a baby, my dads girlfriend (she raised me) said i tried calling her mom. shes my best friend and my second mother. i truly love my mother, even though she didn't like who i was, i loved her so much. i just missed the love she gave me - even though she left me with one feeling - abandoned. she tried her hardest, as she suffered with alcoholism, depression, bipolar, and coke...
yes while, maybe this left my eldest sister feeling empty too. she took everything out on me. she hit me until i'd cry then call me a winey a bi*ch, call me fat... useless.. stupid.. "your such an idiot" she'd hit me. dad wouldnt listen and i was not close enough to mom to tell her. i dont think she would have believed me either.
i miss my mother, a lot. she hung herself when i was 15, 6 uears ago.
i started smoking when i was 12. NINE years.. im 21..
after my mother died, i was partying... everything under the sun haha.. i loved drugs, i loved being out of my mind. i was drinking a lot too and ended up with TWO yeast infections from all the beer ! i loved feeling numb. no matter how much i cried, cut or eat, i still felt pain. depression hurts... every where. food was my thing. i was over 160.... i got sick one day, and when i say sick i mean that lol ! it was not fun ! i had a stomach flu, but i now realize that i was 150, that day, because i could not hold down food water, orange juice.. nothing.. every thing i tried i got sick.. and sick when i didnt. every 5 minutes i got sick. i lost almost 20 pounds in one day.
i loved how people were saying how good i looked. asking me how i did it. it made me feel good. REALLY good. my eldest sister was even saying i looked pretty. i restricted myself so bad. i dropped down to 130. though i stopped, i never thought about any of this until now. my boyfriend loves porn, it 'turns him on' or 'gets him in the mood' i feel like i need to look like these girls for him to stop, no matter what he says, no matter how he tells me he loves how i look. i want to look like the dancers, and beable to dance without jiggling my fat around ! its terrible !! i cant stand it any more. i've looked up anorexia, and in the end of my research have found so many things out about it that makes me eat everything i think about looking like that.. yet, i tend to dance more then .. most should, or will work out until it hurts. but in the end, i can not control my food simply because i do not want to look like skin and bones. ( im sorry if i sound mean, but i couldnt because my dad would hate me i'd wrather look plums to make everyone happy then do something just for myself) yet i stugle more and more everyday with this depression, half of it being because im fat.. i hate it. my doctor didnt even say anything about being under or over ( im 147 yucky huh !?)
im so heart broken so people out there that have that nasty nasty deathly illness. MY heart goes out to everyone, even these youngens' that think its a life style God bless you, everyone. and happy chirstmas !!
~ninesouls
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