137 IBS, my compulsions

you know i never really noticed it: i always had an OCD of some sort. i wouldnt call it that, i dont know. if you were me you'd know what i meant.  my main main and close to only one is twisting my hair, and when i say twist i mean twist.. one finger a big fat strand of hair .. i putt knots and break my hair everytime. its so bad my hair poofs out because of the dead ends. i bite my lips, until they bleed my finger nails, i pick at my skin, scabs, anything i can pick. this isnt so much a compulsion as it is a ... forced habit, being mean and irritatble. maybe cuz the constant hunger, maybe the anger is getting worse, the hate. infact i know that, because everything is getting worse. i cant sleep good any more, even if i do sleep just a few hours im wide awake for the next almost day. food is fucking compulsion.. its so nasty.

im really not trying to be mean: but hunger is NOT strength. Hunger is letting your heart shrink, your organs shut down your body be too thin to do even move. even though we push it. its just death. i didnt wish this upon myself.. i dont believe any one does with this. i dont know where i am where i stand. i thought i had it all figured out that my life would get better and i lied to myself. i got my hopes too fucking high. to think people were decent enough, to think they gave poeple a benifit of a doubt when i did, to even most strngers....poeple fucking shit on me. but, to take it out on someone else? i'd wrather take it out on me. i know its NOT my FAULT.. with my depression... but its one of those feelings, like ana, that you just FEEL it. no one has to repeat it.. you just do you just know. when you feel empty even with or without food, food is one of the lessers. inless you dont ever want to eat it.

im trying to think of ways to hide my food, make it look like im eating when i didnt touch a goddamned thing. i dont eat in front of anyone any more but its not like a door is bettwen food and those people that will notice. My boyfriend is a goddamned lie detector, if i threw it out hed find it. hed know something was wrong.. and i couldnt do it. we'd fight about it hed be mean about it and i couldnt do it, i cant fucking take the goddamned fights any more i faught with my sister, my own blood half my life I DONT NEED IT ANYMORE... THE MORE WE FIGHT THE  LONGER I STARVE THE MORE EXSUSES I MAKE UP.