tonights dinner and bad habits

i posted a post about my compulsions, i also have a thing with evenness.. if its not even it HAS to be done again or it wont get done at ALL

had a huge dinner tonight (compairs to my one cup meal when i say one cup i mean that, half cup this half cup that for a whole cup) but tonight, did TWO cups, maybe 3... and it was lasagna for that matter. im thinking to myself, "have to eat it have to eat .. if i dont someone will think something wrong" hiding things or stuffing them in my pockets, i honestly dont and really hope it dont get that far, because someone WOULD notice my boyfriend would probably kick me out. on the other hand, i've stopped eating at night. except if i drink which thats done with too (whole other drama lol) and without the booze, i wont feel obliged to eat because of the alcohol. with a little smoke and a couple crackers, i can hold off on eating for 26 hours, sometimes less. its what my boyfriend does but i know if i dont eat SOMETHING before dinner, ill eat more for dinner, like bf does and he doesnt lose weight.... dont want that do we?

the OTHER hand !, with clothes on it says 147, but i know its only 140, with an extremely stuffed stomach ( i have milk too) and closed are about a pound in weight too. i woke up today and was 137.. just when i eat i bloat. and i feel REALLY REALLY bad because Anabeth screams at me that im already fat, worthless, peice of flesh sitting here only getting fater. i was thinking of a poem lastnight but i cant remember it. it being almost 4am, fighting for 2 hours and finally talking for one i fell asleep and it got lost somewhere among my dreams. none the less i wanted to make one any way so goes nothing:
~~~
i've done it again.
i ate that nasty greasy food
i cant win anywhere, i cant even control my own life.
My own depression, my own Diseases inside my head.
shit i've controled for so long is spilling out and turning my heart black again.
God fucking forgive me if i Kill myself again.
AnaBeth is screaming at me again,
im weak, a fat fat FAT failure. That can not stop Starving HER.
I can not think of her, i have to think of what MY body NEEDS
what my FAMILY need, my friends, my boyfriend.. my shitty fucking life.
I HAVE to ignore HER. HAVE TO ! what would people say if i starved myself to death?
which is EXACTLY what i WANT to do.
I want to disapear, Disipait into the nothing that I am. That Everyone BElieves I AM.
I want to be thin, I NEED to be thin.
Yet, i cant even bring myself to the level to listen to AnaBeth, my friend
who LIES to me.
SAY HI TO OBLIVION