you know its kinda of ironic all that i wrote. and i did too, i let myself fall towards ana. i listened to her without even realizing it. it did start off at a diet, didnt it? reading back, i was fighting to keep it to a... minimum, 1200 calories seemed, fair. but seeing and loving the results as everyone started complimenting me led me to 200 calories a day. all i had today was dinner, goddamn it if i could get away with it.. i miss living with my dad when food was no problem. dad always enforced that "who gives a fuck" attitude with me. was picked on all my fucking life because of my fatness. really, who cared if i ate myself to death? depression was that bad. then i wind up with someone who i really care about being with says im fat i told him "you cant love me for who i am not how much weight is on my body?" he did, he still does. i saw him staring at my fat. i hated getting into bed with him and more then half the time covered my belly. all the years of not caring then getting with someone who i cared deelpy for. AnaBeth was just waiting for me to slip. to starve. for if i starve, then i FEED ana. if i eat, then i starve her. its like a little ... fucking demon voice telling me "your fat, stop eating! stop stop stop bad bad bad !" heres the catch: need food for drugs ! no food no drugs...ok food. cuz i need my drugs :D ... so any way. by january i was 145, a month later, 10 or 12 pounds are gone, not so much of starving myself as much as i really wanted to. i ate good, i felt really fucking bad after, thinking im gonna gain 10 pounds just from that two bites.. but in reality, 3500 calories is equavalent to a pound, not 200 calories. What we put our bodies through and our minds through to be thin. to waste away to the nothing you believe you are

i also did a post about having to stem from where. and of course, i still think that. that or like my friend said "i think these young ones are just looking at attention cuz they're skinny" something like that. of course, mine.. where did it stem? it wasnt when i was young.. no.. i shouldnt have let it go that far but now.. its just too late food is gross.. do i label myself anorexic? no.. im just another lonley soul ready to feed her Ana.