fuck IT

it is 8:42PM and i havent weighed myself yet. im down to 131 but it keeps going to 134, no food tonight. i've been doing goooood =) my sisters like WOW! i need To SEE YOU! but im like, nah lol you dont have to :D i know im like, 3 minus the poeple i used to be. i was freaking HUGE!

i'd really like to know who views my material. it dont bug me that people look, i mean thats good right? as long as they dont follow in my footsteps. i think im annoying my boyfriend with my typing, i can just feel the tension in the room. this keyboard on the lappy is louuudddd.. should have heard the other one i had ;)

honestly, im runnning out of things to say (although thats almost impossible with me) really, how can my sad little pathetic life mean anything to any one? doesnt everyone have their own to worry about? what makes this blog so interesting? because its not fake? i dont get it, really. the 2 reasons why i started this 1: i was running out of paper. and 2: because i wanted to make people aware that you cant let something go and expect it to get better. im the prime example of that. when i and my boyfriend first met, he didnt even realize i was 'deressed' he said i acted normal i told him i hid it well he agreed. i still do to this day, gotta fake that smile, gotta PRETEND, gotta LOOK happy so people dont question you. so you can keep your scars and starvation in your head, not spending all the time on trying to figure out what was wrong with you.

thats one thing im not afraid to do: be me. im good at acting like 'myself' because 'myself' is nothing like i used to be,even now. i was happy, vibrant, i had friends, i wasnt a nice person but people still liked me, i had my ways to get with people. i was (still is) VERY manipulative. VERY. i could talk dad into almost anything, as well as my sisters. no one knew what went on in me, i can only wish others realize that sitting there and letting it ... get to you, living that way, if you dont want to, get help.. please? if not for me... for your family. but that doesnt matter much in the throws of depression, anorexia or bulumia. those three things suck the very life force out of us. and people promote the shit, get fuckin real. if you want to die go off yourself dont do it slowly and painfuly.

now, with that in mind, you might ask, "well how come your not getting help?" i have NO fucking insurance, i have NO money to afford all this shit. i have NOTHING but a fat body and stupid, run down brain that over thinks. do it, while your parents have the money while your still with them. and if your not, u have insurance, to even just pay half. DO IT. other then that, sit in my situtation, and then you can say you cant get help. the only reasons why most cant get help is because they're too ashamed, maybe they dont want to. wouldnt you be more ashamed of having to get half naked in front of strangers to weigh in, then not even being able to see the weight, or dying, a stick figure, letting everyone around you that you love, slowly killing yourself. would it be so shameful after thinking of all that? think about it before you fucking 'promote' this 'life style' IF IT WERE a choice we could eat without hesitation, we could eat pizza, junk food without a moments thought. we could look at big people and not be scared of looking like that, we could look at ourselves and feel OK 500 pounds. there wouldnt be need for hospitals in that use. we wouldnt need feeding tubes, or people watching to make sure you eat everything thats given to you. and you know what the sick part is? after typing all that, there will still be people who read this and laugh, that wont listen or even think about it. they'll just think "oh good blog" but this blog isnt just a fucking blog, im here to try to help poeple. try to get them to think. im sure we all have, so much, with this shit. but a little more, if we can push ourselves to starve, can we push a little further to get the help we want and need... the help we thrive for when we know we're almost dead?
END:9 PM