i thought..

i thought the scale was lieing to me or something ! (or the devil was possessing it lol) i got on it this morning, to 132. i had 6 nuts, 2 crackers with 2 peices of cheese for lunch (which braught it up to 133) then i had dinner (which was gross) 6 sausage links. i had to do something because i didnt want all the food i was making for them, 3 eggs scrambled with 3-6 sausage links and 2 peices of toast. i was gonna chow down just 2 links, an egg and a peice of toast but nope, it wound up being the rest of the sausage links. i felt like purging, i still do. and for ONCE in my life, im pondering on if i should get drunk or not. tommarow is easter.. i want to smoke, im really not in the mood to drink.

someone once said, "numbers dont mean anything, there is always a story behind them" Numbers... Mean Everything. (to me, its simple yet extremely complicated) i rely on my scale, i rely on how many times i eat a day, how much ill be injesting, how long it will be until the next meal. it all comes down to numbers, every single day it does. number this, number that. but your right, there is always a story behind all those numbers. we all hide behind numbers, counting cals, how long to run, how long to walk, how long to starve? how many hours until i cant get away without someone catching me not eating? HOW LONG? the story being: I WANT TO BE .... SKINNY!! everyones is different of course.

you know, its not all about being thin either. i mean its some.. but most of it is i just want to disapear. the logic screams at me in dads voice: you cant disapear that way, thats a lot fucking worse death then just disapearing somewhere". i wonder how it feels?

PS: i dont want to post it but i really do love the old pictures and poems i posted there years ago. i worked on this site for about four years before getting out of my 'writing habits and dark depression' and got more involved with school. at one point, i wanted to create everything, anything that i could think of. i needed to be heard, and i didnt care who heard it. any way, heres my old site that i forgot all my info on (and on on an old email that i stopped going on a long time ago after changing the password) (and my hair was long... i was around 160 in those pix.)  some things might not work any more, as its old... im surprised its still up. 958 hits in the last..8 years life was good. http://www.xxdieingsoulsxx.piczo.com/ ... let me know if it works!

i havent looked at in years. i was around 16ish in the pictures on the homepage,i've always looked sooo young =) (and crappy =(  ..) theres a girl named tami on there... i had hella good times with that girl we partied HARD together ;)  she was my bestfriend until i found out (another long story but the bf and her tried working it out before i and him) she was going to rob him. i told him about it..... i just didnt want to talk to her any more. it was too much. half those people on it i dont even talk to any more. i actually wound up forgetting about it so i never got the chance to put my neices pix up and all that. i miss going it, and ACTUALLY! thats where my name "dieingsouls" originated from.  my dark dark, morbid mind ;) i wrote a poem about this day dream i had. about a man cutting the screen open, choking her to death..... quite a poem actually.

NineSouls
Good Night Obilivion