i've been trying not to feed my old thoughts. as AnaBethany creeps back upon me. i've gained half of what i've lost... 30 pounds. my boyfriend knows full heartidly about my "E.D". i started to gain weight when i started drinking beer and moved in with my boyfriend. everyone tells me i look good, but i cant help but look at myself and say.... i've gained half of what i've worked so hard to lose. so much starving, so far into depression, and those thoughts are comming back, racking my brain i get the feeling that i cant lose it again. because my boyfriend says im not fat but looking at my old photos, i want just that, and i cant help but think the only way to attain that is to drop down to my 200-300 cal a day 'diet' i have no idea how much i weigh becaus i dont have a scale. its nerve racking. and right now i feel like purging because i ate a 360 cal 180 fat cal bag of cheetos. im such a loser, a fatty. and these thoughts resurface, nobody understands that these thoughts consume my very being. they want me to starve but I, in my right mind want to lose it the right way. although i eat fairly healthy and walk about an hr and a half a day, i've been trying to stay away from exsersizing because i do it way too much. im too ashamed to dance in front of my boyfriend in which thats why i dropped the last 10 LBS the last time. any way, i cant seem to lose anything. and it just makes me feel that i need to stop eating (so much) but im scared to get back in the throws of my depression, alcoholism, and drug use. i miss my nearly flat tummy, and no fat-rolls, and my thighs didnt rub together, my flabby stomach didnt hang over my waist line

and all that triggered this was the fact this older lady said she wanted to lose 20 pounds.
well how about 30?
im sick of all of this, these thoughts consuming only my brain when no body else sees a problem. i miss my thin face, nearly flat stomach.....@ 105.

AnaBethany
MiaMaria.. im comming for you, as you already got me.
i want something, i need somebody
to get through this, once again
my body is hideous,
my face very fat,
yet i cant attain the fact
that i cant seem to lose it
although my mind is already gone,
i wanna go back to the way i used to be,
the old nearly thin me
yet not nearly thin enough
close enough to be attained
yet far enough to be a mountain
AnaBethany
MiaMaria, im comming for you, as you already got me.
i want something, i need somebody
to get through this, once again.

LW: 105
CW:130
GW:100

*~!~*NineDieingSouls*~!~*

Guess who's back?
with their fucked up mind.
cant seem to get anything out, just wound up and ready to die.
consumed by hate,
consumed by fear,
consumed by this world's restraints of thin
everyones staring eyes, staring back at me
i want to be thin, i need to be feeling me
everyones thin body, gleeming at me
yet i cant ever be what i've always wanted to be
a beautiful, skinny, thin me