152

i have gained virtually all the weight back. David (my boyfriend) says im sexy, beautiful ect every single day. yet, he is beautifully 160 at 6'0. i am 5'1 at 152. i am short, fat and i look around at all these big women and im petrified. im so scared of my weight getting that bad, and i will starve. and i told David that. i cant be that big. i cant have rolls on my rolls. and its gettin there again. David is going to get me a scale. and im going to start my 'diet'. of course, that consists of the three 'sqaure' meals a day. around 3-400 cals breakfast. no lunch. and about the same for dinner. so around 6-900 cals a day. you'd think i'd lose...but my night binging is bring my cal intake around 2 k cal. and that.. THAT is driving me insane.

i had gotten a wisdom tooth pulled and i couldnt really eat anything. i know i lost 5 - 10 pounds because my 'fat rolls' are almost gone. which... yay, it makes me want to lose more. and we all know where that is headed - less and less food, more and more starvation... more and more obsession. and more secrecey, of course more so because somebody actually cares this time around. he wont complain as long as i finish a whole plate.

theres a girl here who suffers from an ED too. and i can tell because she's lost more then 20 pounds in less then two months. thats what triggered me. shes was so fat and now she's wearing her old skinny jeans and tiny shirts...so jealus. i miss my size 1/2 small jeans. SERIOUSLY.

i am getting a scale soon enough. and i cant wait. 

i am at school so
until next time....

*One day of starvation 
away from perfection*


NineDieingSouls