FOR MY BLOG:
second day: jan 25 2011 @ 6:33pm
so, i had the flu almost a week ago, and i mean.. a really nasty stomach flu (little to my knowledge, flu stands for inFLUinza) i was sick for 24 hours... losing FIVE pounds :D now, after i was pretrified to eat .. to gain all that back. then the flu bug really would have been pointless. i didnt mind the getting sick .. it was just irritating that it was ALL day and half the night. i didnt eat for almost two days but i did. and hoo HA ! im finally below 145. im 140 now, which.. yay me ! so happy that that five pounds is gone.... was really starting to disapoint myself; which took all month mind you. been eating less then 200 calories per day. maybe 200 or more sometimes, if i drink and at night. i hate myself when i do that too.. soo no more binging ! going to get drunk tonight.. have phone calls to make to take care of business. ;) cant wait to drop down to my GW: 130 ( then like we all know it will be 125 then 120, 115, 110, 105, 100.....)
ENTRY TWO: jan 2011 25 @ 11:15 PM
SPACE TO GROW, MONEY TO LIVE
when i was like, a child.. like, 5-12 or so, i got 5 dollars a week for 'allowence' then i got a bit older, dad knew i needed a little more; i wasnt working, was just going to school, 14-16, 10 week, but add that, 14-17, 10 dollars a week. for my smoke and cigarettes. either or, take your pick. take the other and take cigarette butts. FUCK !
ENTRY THREE: 1/26/11 @ 1:24 pm
i hate life.
so, i've had insurance since last year of june. thanx to obama, he fucked me my dad and who knows how many other poeple. they made it so parents can keep their kids on their insurance until they are 26, now that sounds like a good deal right? WRONG ! they should have told people that it would keep their kids on and POSSIBLY MESS UP THEIR INSURANCE !!!! goddamn it.... any way. we'll get it taken care of. on a further note, im really proud of myself - finally able to control my food intake without over eating. i've stopped binge eating at night. its getting a little bad; i check my weight 3-5 times a day, food or not. i have to be undressed now, as i did find out my clothes were weighting 2-4 pounds on their own ! any way: on a stable 140 :D
ENTRY FOUR : 28th of january 2011 @ 10:50 PM
We ordered out tonight. we ate about, 5:30 thank god because i wont eat after 6. i had gotten a sub ( i didnt even want to order out, i really didnt even wanna eat ! ) turkey, no mayo, no lettuce. just turkey, onions, tomatos and black olives. it was actually pretty good. i didnt even eat a quarter of it. buuut ! !!! i had curly fries... really greasy too was almost making me gag ! but any way. still 140, going to post a picture of the scale cuz im sooo proud of myself finally losing them 5 pounds without under eating ( but 2 times worse cuz it was because of sickness and now im even more scared of gaining weight !!!) cant wait for the summer ! so i cant start dancing and walking again :D
entry five: 29th of january 2011 @ 4:35 pm:
heres the picture i wanted to show you :D
booyah ! lost 10 pounds in a month :) i probably wouldnt have if i didnt get sick. for those last 5 pounds. which makes me wanna puke up everything that goes past my lips had a big dinner tonight and the scale was fooling me. 147, 145, 141.... last 3 times, 141. will be back down to 139-140 tommarow =) wish i could give up eating but cant let my family down <3 love you alL
FACEBOOK STATUS :
I DIDNT COME TO GET COZY I CAME HERE TO GET CRAZY I WAS BORN TO GET WILD THATS MY STYLE IF YOU DIDNT KNOW THAT BABY NOW YOU know
since that pic was taken a few days ago - heres an update.. the same weight !
sorry so blurry ! 6-10th time weighing myself today. with clothes - 2 times, without clothes 6 times. this picture was with a tshirt and undies. pants and sweater weigh it more then 5 more pounds !
ENTRY SIX: 2011 of febuary 1st @ 11:13 PM
still 140. was 138.. but... the fact that i cant get away with hiding food/purging inless i was walking after dinner, or any time that i ate, really. no one has any idea how bad i want to. i eat around everyone all day because i dont want ANY ONE to think i have a problem. to be honest, i dont think i do. i just cant let it get that far. im so scared that my depression will let ana and ed take over. im starting to like an empty stomach. like " oh yea it wants fat again" counting and weighing obsessivly. twisting hair, biting lips and cleaning much more too.
ENTRY SEVEN: 2011: of febuary 2nd @ 12:10 AM
i wish people knew what threw my head. i wish they knew how i felt sober, and drunk... and stoned. but i wear my smile so well...noone really knows. and its funny because i've written this so many times. and the depression has gone so much deeper then death, a quik one... like a gun, or cutting myself miles away from home and someone finally finding me bled out. and thats really funny because i almost fantasize about how it really feels like bleeding out, getting older and feeling feeling death take you.. and that makes it funnier because i could never do it to my DAD Rick. my sister Tab, my neices and nephews.. birds, dog, cats.. my bestfriends laura and tess.... i've always thought about them after these morbid morbid thoughts. i may say my heart is stone but its really not. i care more for others then myself... i guess its not a bad thing cuz i couldnt leave everyone .. i know it would hurt them more then me and i love my family and boyfriend far too much. everyone thinks im being selfish, in my own mind yes.. but when it comes down to it, its everyone else before me. i do love life, i wish i could get rid of these thoughts and not let them get this far but they are. and right now, with every thing else.... my insurance, cuz its after the first. im not sure if i still have it or dont..... dad still hasnt gotten the extermination papers. so i might have to do it all again. but thats OK i cant blame it him. he didnt know.
My fingers used to be so bad LOL ! my sister would say "you have chubby fingers" joking, i guess in her head but in mine it wasnt. their not so chubby any more. my upper arms are still pretty '.. ick but, i grew up with men ... moving stuff =)
so .. i know i started this blog for a reason, like many others to help others. and i hope this does... i hope this makes people with even depression to get help. i've never went for it; dad had denied it when i told him. he said mom had probmlems like that too. he says "we all have days like that" the problem : its not days.. its YEARS. since i was eleven. i dont want any one to feel sympothy: i simply *wish to see people under stand that yes parents deny it, but that means.. CONVINCE them you need help. not because you want it, because you need it. if not for you, for them, them who fed you, even if you didnt eat, they worried. even if they got mad and shouted they love you, i know it hurts even more.. to be talked to 'like that' trust me lol ! i cant stand it. maybe because i was talked to like that all my life. bullied. but stand up ! ....even i didnt want to tell dad 1: i didnt want to be on pills to make it worse so something actually happened besides cutting 2: Colin, my eight year old nephew .. i will pit a picture on soon.. thatd be great huh ! i dont know. i know its different for everyone. i wish everyone the best ! (god this one turned out long lmao)
ENTRY EIGHT: 2011 of Febuary 2nd @ 6:17 PM
The scale had me going ! lmao i need a digi scale =( this one freaks me out LOL just had a really big dinner meatloaf and peas. i mean i ate a lot, about 8oz of meat and 1/3 cup peas. weighed myself after
with clothes:
without clothes:
then i did it again and it said 138 i said whoah lmao then again and it went back to 140. it was inbetween 140-143 ill take one in 8 or 10 hours. see if its gone back down or more =) wish i could get away with fasting <3 poeple would notice. i want it to be on 120 !!!!!!!!
ok did another weigh in.
clothes on :
clothes off:
143 i think it says.
ENTRY NINE: 2011 of Febuary 3rd
.. long story short - even though i dont want to post this. but i have NO ONE... no one... im so alone in this shitty world with a God that i believe in but dont answer me !!! i cant stress that enough ! you know something, my boyfriend, is still married. we all live together. we all get along good. but recently .. i dont know maybe its just me. maybe it just is but he talks to her more... she broke her shoulder today, got pain pills and he's enjoying more with her (cuz she just took one too ) then he ever did with me. laughing, talking joking.... is that what i have to do to get his full attention? break my fucking arm and get pain pills... i feel like im being selfish. i know those two will always have feelings towards eachother but i cant help the fact that i feel like he wants her back or she wants him back...maybe they realized why they fell in love. im just so lost.. he treats her better too. i take care of bill (our elderly resident) more then he ever has/would. i feel abonded, again
ENTRY TEN : 2011 of febuary 5th
what a goddamned week ! the broke broke down. monica fell down shattered her ball joint in her shoulder socket. mike has been bitching screaming and everything else, what a goddamned day. now, i took a hydro, have had five drinks... feeling good. gonna play iggle pop. i'd post another picture but its still the same, 140-144. (144 after i eat)
5th of feb 2011 @ 11:00 PM
been siting here listining to people bitch all day, half the night. now his mother is over and berta.. which i love berta but his mother gets on his ass i cant stand it. she gets him going type later not in the mood
i dont remember the date lmao its 12:15 though. it feels weird to type, i havent for a while. i havent weighed in .. in about a week, a little less. i eat ok, probably over 500 calories now that i dont weigh. i find it a bit hard and often poke at my fat, often thinking about the scales. i've been eating like a pi g the lest week, the last weigh in was still 140-143, which i felt proud about. i've been shoveling alot eating special K brand stuff ( 140 calories for 1 cup cereal, i only eat half though anf half cup milk to make a full cup ) then a special K breakfast bar thats only 90 calories. i try to do a 100-200 calorie dinner. i may snack on peanuts, have a peice of chocolate or just lots of water but shovelings a 160 foot driveway without food is extremely .... tiring? i dont know the word for it, it makes you sick, drink water feel worse.. so i eat. gonna get more special K products.. sweet but sooo low in calories AND FAT ! :D no weigh ins deleted them and recent cutting photos because i wanted to show the pictures i took of the animals to monica and my boyfriend.. they love the pictures but they would have been ferious at the ugly scabs on my arms.. took 2 days to scab over, turned a little green.. they are fine now =) wish everyone the best xo
technically, its VALENTINES DAY !! boo hoo lol ! >.< i've been eating like a slob again at night. chocolate, my morning things. no internet no support. the 4 other poeple i live with cuz they eat like hogs and are over weight. solid 143... extremely disapointed. was reading a story about this psycoligyst, one her 14 year old patients who had anorexia died. come to find out; her father was raping her. she wanted to disapear. like i do, like we all do. theres too many poeple around. im so fat
9:20AM ENTRY ?? Febuary 2011 of the 18th
did i have a choice? could i have taken another path?
Not todays topic. though i think about them a lot. 140 :D my stomach hurts but no food. i feel bad about eating at night for almost a month. so no breakfast. who knows if ill eat till dinner? been up since 7 am i wanna smoke more but my stomach wont allow it. food sounds revolting
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mike gave me this really beautiful commitment ring a couple years ago. i never wear it because im so scared of losing it. i'll have to take a picture sometime. i'd write more but we did some muscle relaxers the buzz is gone and we have to get up at 9 AM, we made amazing love just a few minutes ago.. he can be such a pain.. i love him so much.
it is 1:43 AM the 24th OF febuary and i am about 138 now. i still eat the way i've been (no more then 500 calories a day) usually a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a sandwhich (with a full cup of milk) and a small dinner 4-8 OZ meat, half to full cup vegies and full cup of milk. it fills me up, ill snack every now and then im a chocoholic ;) who isnt ? cant wait for summer, so i can walk/ sneak food. i dont think my boyfriend would make me eat untill he noticed i was too thin. he says he likes some meat on the bones and im perfect.. i love him sooo much
12 AM 25th of febuary an exact month wihout net/cable/phone.. gonna pay the bill prolly saturday. see everyone soon !!
reminder : put PUSSY GALORE as a status on facebook HAHAHAHAHAHA
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i dont want people that cut or were 'cutter's to feel offended by my bitty marks of scars. i will say it, they are just surface scratches compared to how deep others cut. personally, i live with these horrible scars and i dont see myself living with worse. you can not see them well, but this is just the beginning of a nasty scar on top of many others that will probably soon disapear. no one can ever tell... hence one of the reasons why i use the most stupidist any one could use : a clean, never used before shaving razor, i prefere the 3 bladed ones. it gets infected about the day after, its an extreme risk of gang grene, but mine heals well others may not. you dont exactly think of the infection as your cutting your self with a sharp 3 blade razor then having it bleed for atleast 2-4 hours, nope.. you dont think of infection.
i usually do 2-4 cuts but cutting the same ones after they are open, this usually results in tearing surrounding skin and lots of bleeding.. the lightest one at the very bottons if u can tell, is one i did about... 2 months ago. still pinkish now imagine them scars and imagine ones deeper.
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