142 dressed 138 undressed

usually, after i eat, its five pounds higher including clothes. but after the clothes come off, it drops five pounds, well almost, considering the 2 pounds weight for liqiud and bloatiness somewhere around there.... any way, wont know EXACTLY how much i weigh until I AM EXACTLY one 140 with my clothes ON. theeeeen....... off come the clothes :) any way, feelin good i ate tonight it barley touched me. had some crackers (savoritz 4 crackers = 70 cals) only had two. strawberries cuz their goin bad =( no one else eats them. only one of them buuut like i said, 142 with clothes on. prolly about 138ish or so without em. =)

[[Ana]] Promises and begs me not to Starve Her.
She Screams and screams, making new promises everyday.
even in my bewildered head somewhere between depression and [[Beth]]
my soul has been lost for years already she was waiting to snag me
She says if i lie ill be thin, if i hide food, skinny is best. it is beautiful, you want 120, you NEED 120. no food, NO FOOD. its fat FAT i tell you. She tells me ill be perfect...

but i once read, that life isnt perfect. and it ISNT and neither are us, but thats what life is all about.... if we all starved ourselves to be skinny, who would be here in the end?

we read and read want and need to be thin, to disapear, disapait into the nothings we know we are. we read about the horrors of this disease, and some still think its a 'choice' is it a CHOICE when you CANT pull yourself out of it? when it truely happens and you have no one. WHAT IF..

we were all the same. all the same little skinny people running around.. no such thing as fat, depression, drugs, NONE OF IT.. what IF there was NO  good, NO EVIL no war.. but we're just FUCKING dreaming.. in a world THAT DREAMS its PERFECT.

we read all the bad stuff, all the shit and see it all too. yet we cant jjust say "oh yea im gonna start eating" it doesnt work like that ! IT DOESNT ! this isnt a fucking joke... THIS shit goes THROUGH MY HEAD TWENTY foud seven. to turn back, would i still have aten? would it be different, the feelings, the change, the  want the NEED. Its no longer the need for Survival, its the NEED FOR DEATH

SAY HI OBLIVION