well, its not too bad out today. the wind is chilly but the sun is shinin. throw on all black and ill be set. walk down to the trail - after a little lunch and vaccuuming. i think monica can handle bill when he gets home. any way:
you know i think a lot about this. and even i think i dont have 'it' or 'her' wrather, I want to Name my depression. and once again my depression is leading to other self issues. besides wanting to die and thinking about death half the time, its planning my meals, what im going to eat or how im going to disgard it without any one else knowing. how i will hide it or if i can get away with it. i wrote something like night, even though im a little weary. its very deep.
I feel like a fat failure. i cant even starve myself right.
i go more then 16 hours (pathetic right? my bf goes almost 24 hours and he doesnt lose anything, my inspiration to eat) dinner, very small meal mind you. come 8 or 9 my stomach starts hurting again. its a rage inside my head. Eat not to eat try to hide dinner but my mind tumbles into getting caught and the concequences. I have day dreams of what would if happen if i was caught. just what i need, to add onto the depression. im 140 AGAIN 3 fucking pounds back cuz i started binging again, at night.. im scared of getting finding out. i dont exactly have privacy living with 4 other poeple and all. im not sure if going downstairs everynight just to figure out a way to dispose. itd be too obvious. i wouldnt get away with it. my best bet: maintain my 137-140 until i can start walking i could even pack food be late for dinner and just say i had a big lunch. what i didnt eat anything but a few bites to shut the hunger pangs up. to keep me sweating, other then that i wont get away with shit
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