when i lived with my father, two and a half years ago... i had my own room.. and yes a lock :) NO ONE could bug me. its just the way i liked it: i was alone. back then food was my bestfriend, my comphort. i consumed more then 5,000 calories a day... was almost 200 pounds. but any way this is about music not weight lol.
i locked my door whenever i went into my room, which turned into a habit i do it to every door lol my god i dont think i've showed you this side of me, im actually a bit happy today. dont wanna get too happy though prolly be ruined. ANY FUCKING WAY: music... i could BLARE IT.. of course there was 4 other rooms besides mine but i guess i was just giving them what they deserved; blaring their music when im sleeping (atleast i did it in the middle of the day when i knew everyone was awake) taking my shit when i wasnt home. sooo.. with my depression i always kept myself isolated. with my music, beer and bestfriend tess. that girl is like a sister to me. i actually miss having all that lonliness. actually i didnt feel lonley, because i liked being by myself .. myself didnt judge me, myself was happy all alone. i listened to music when i got up, all day when i WAS UP and when i went to bed. pretty much 24/7. all i could notice was people banging on the door " TURN IT DOWN !!!" me being the hateful person i was, would turn the bass up to get a couple more screams then finally down a bit laughing the whole time.
if your parents dont believe you when your abused, or even if your too ashamed (like i was, come on my own sister beat me ! she wonders why i stole from her.. lied to her and still have no problem doing it to this day except the stealing part she stole from me too) if they dont believe you.. you NEED to convince them. it NEEDS to be corrected... look at me. look what happens when you leave it to yourself, stay all by yourself and the only thing you relate to well, isnt so much human as it is MACHINE.
that is the only thing i could relate to, music. maybe it couldnt hear me talk to it but hey.. words are words and when all your all alone, thats all you need. i dealt with everything in my mind from suicide, to cutting. you know something though.. i never tried suicide, nor could i cut myself that deep. i still have trouble with suicide thoughts and self harm.. but my self-will is too strong and i WILL NOT ALLOW ana[beth] to take it from me. maybe she'll learn how to knock down my walls but i have to eat if not for me, for my dad neices nephews dog and cats.. i love them all so much and i couldnt let them watch me die nor find me dead. i've just learned to deal with the shit. but it really isnt a way of living... i need help and probably wont ever seek it. my father thinks that 'i just have bad days' but its not days ! i scream in my head, its WEEKS, MONTHS.... YEARS now.. i have no one to talk to. its like a secret everyone knows but no one says anything to support me. i feel like i could have changed that. my own dad didnt believe me until a year or two ago he said " i wsh you would have told me then.." i told him " i did, you told me i lied" ( about my sister beating me leading to the depression) he felt soo bad that he didnt believe me. he wishes he could change it cuz he would have corrected it. that, "he didnt know she was really that bad until she was your age" i know my dad loves me. i couldnt let him watch me die. i hope God anwers me soon i dont know what im going to do. fuck that brought me down.
No comments:
Post a Comment