arrghh what am i going to do? hes even gonna wanna get french fries... with burgers some 200 cals each, even more then that. maybe ill just grab a couple and leave them on the side of my desk where my bf never looks - everyone (even that stupid cunt Ana[beth] ) knows ill eat at night, when no one notices. and thats if i eat the burger. if i dont? ... think .. think.. if he sees i didnt atleast one hed know. he's not dumb and i my baby worries about me. i wound up having my 15 cal salad a few crackers and milk. my stomach feels nauseated again, i think it knows its not getting anything just yet.
i really dont know why im doing this. i know all the consequences i just cant stop i dont know HOW. it went from 1500 cals to 1000 to 500 to 200 to ... well barley 100. see, i wasnt lieing in that last post when i said it'd be easy to fall in. My depression is a fucking rage race in my head, sad or happy? fake laughs or just be silent? better fake it it'll ruin everyone elses mood. better eat people will stare and ill think they're staring at my fat. at 139 (with clothes not sure without so 139 is NOT my true blue current weight) maybe ill check after im 135. maybe ill just have a burger tommarow for a award of finally finishing my 24 hour fast. we all know i wont i cant starve myself right. im so scared of hurting my family, so scared of losing my boyfriend, so scared of my heart failing. yet i just cant help it. I NEED THIS.
maybe ill just get a fry (an icky 250 cals alone) and say that filled me up. maybe ill just eat nothing I dont know what im going to do all i know is im tired, Tired of life, of depression, of all this well, stupid none-sense rage inside my head.
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