really not sure

theres a few pages i wrote lastnight that was thinking about putting here but im really not sure. i've never shared my work to any one, though im sure its shitty enough no one will want to take it any way... wish i could find out how to disable so people cant copy nor paste. lets see what it said i dont quite remember...heres a short one i did while doodling "lovin' nobody hating everything" it dont have a title, ill call it "a fucking bullet" : Another peice of paper with stupid rants from depression. Gone, all gone, all of it, i cant keep going on. my legs are getting weak and my head is going to explode, ill make it with a fucking bullet. wish i stamp something see through over all this so no one can take it.

of course i turn the page OVER and here is another whole page going onto.. ok that wound up being a page (front and back) and a half. theres another one, different one on the front and diff one on the back. heres this one: The Same Words: here i go writing the same words. Of a past i thought i left behind. so here, i am again not rhyming one bit. spilling my heart out on something thats not even human. i should have kept my old companion, the only thing that DOESNT lie, my long time friend PAPER. My mind races my soul is ready to give in. this heart wont ever live again. only hate, like it did so many years before. I cant fucking stand this life any more. it gives you a fake happiness that isnt even real. im tired of talking, tired of fighting this old soul should be dying. ok, so at this point i've decided to do this one too, im not sure about the longest one too people get annoying with all my typing :D Fact or Feeling : I feel so alone. who am i kidding? I AM all alone. aloen inside my head, a battle, a goddamned RAGE! I cant take this SHIT any more, im ready to go HOME. Ready to get my Punishment. All i have are thoughts, and way too many words, i'd wrather be all alone then anybody's burden. I Hate myself, life and the stupid fucking people in it." Not everyone of course. lol. I really dont want to, but i kind of do. i want to share, its like a nagging feeling that i want someone to know that THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL WHEN YOU DONT GET HELP AND NEVER SPEAK UP. ask me, why dont i? i dont have the money to, nor the insurance. i dont drive (nor have the money for that) i take care of an elderly resident and live off food stamps and food pantry stuff.. nothing wrong with it but what the FUCK. im 21, im going to be TWENTY TWO and im sitting here wasting my life by taking care of elderly, feeding and stuffing and watching everyone else eat, in depression. with books, words, paper, pens pencils and my animals. fuck! i WANT TO WORK. you dont think I DONT want to ?? im going insane! any way.  getting carried away eh lol.

"ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU..."

' you ask me to party so i do. even though im never in the mood to.
i do it so you dont get mad at me. you want to to do whatever you say jump
when you say it, what if i say im not like the OTHERS. what if i tell you im NOT
like YOUR MOTHER. What if i tell you piss off? Say NO? you tell me its ME
but ITS YOU. you take advantage my depression i think, just like EVERYBODY
else DID, that or you dont believe me. you think its peachy keen to be me? Come on
BITCH, walk 10 years in my short 21 year old life, tell me how you feel, how you think
how you act and perceive things. Tell ME you DONT NEED a FRIEND to understand
if not any one your LOVER. If i Died, if i wasted away, would i perfect then?
If i did everything and anything you wanted Would I BE PERFECT?
IF i SCREAMED for your help, would you BELEIVE ME? would YOU FUCKING HEAR ME
Calling YOUR NAME !? would it ALL BE OKAY? Would you be happy, perfect, would you THEN
Have Everything YOU EVER WANTED? I know I would, if I died. Do you even care, how I feel what my family means to me? what depression really is? how it feels to KNOW you'll take EVERYTHING to heart? even though you dont want to because all you can think of is ways of killing yourself? Do you listen? i've told you before. im sorry i cant do everything perfect that way EVERYONE expects IT. Let ME see YOUR ass do it.' something like that any way...

hope i amused you with my worthless words, once again, you beautiful beautiful blog.

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