and today..

i really want to weigh myself. i barley had anything all day but tonight.. tonight im not eating nothing. how many times do i say that? tonight is different. this is what i NEED. i wish i had someone to pull through this with me. how simple it is all for you. to not want to eat at night and then do just that. but its not like that with me. i have this stupid fucking compulsion to eat at night. i've been eating more then 1,000 cals again. its fucking terrible. just wait. just wait. i just weighed without clothes, 132. see, i gained what, 128... to 132, four pounds. so now its fourteen stupid pounds to go. thats OK. we're getting the pool up and going and soon ill be swimming swimming swimming! and soon, ill look DAMN good in a fucking bikini.

God Forgive me.
I hate myself
I can not forgive my stupidness.
I feel Worthless
I am Selfish
because if i wasnt, all of this wouldnt be about me.
but my head cant stop
i dont know how.
i know what im getting into
i just dont know how to get out
God forgive me
I can not Accept my body.
I have to starve, I have to do something
I need to be perfect God, something you didnt make us. we cant accept that god we NEED to be perfect. So Forgive Me God, For letting myself slowly go insane, for slowly killing myself. God, ill soon be home to you.
God, forgive me.
I have so much more to say.
who wants to listen, really?
who wants to know about another girl starving herself just to retain something she'll never get? just like so many others. Torturing ourselves, how many is left that still pray? that still believe? that still look up and ask, "god forgive me"
God forgive me
i dont know what  to do.
i dont know how to be perfect
Only except this way
you may have given us food
but you gave us a brain that doesnt always think the way we want it to.
God, forgive me,
I need to do this.
~~

yip so, i might just purge in the shower. talk to everyone soon. ill post and tell say if i did or didnt. 
~~
after shower: i purged, then weighed. it actually went up lol oh the irony. i feel less full though it didnt alter my now "blah" mood. it went to 133. lol. i have to laugh if i didnt then i really would be crazy. that was my first purge this month. i havent had an alcoholic beverage in .. this would be the 3rd night. though, tonight, i think i really am going to fast. im tired of this fat!

(funny how this started as a 1200 cal diet)